Madby3 from SA

Proud Fathers at a reunion...

Four friends who hadn't seen each other in 30 years reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."


The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."


The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion , a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Kenny and his trip to Melbourne
LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck
with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?'
To which Davo replies,
'Shhh, I'm having sex with Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Hey Party Girl, bit early in the morning isn't it? Well here goes.....
True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring
in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly
to slip the ring onto his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your Hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring!

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Question: How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Let's go ride bikes!!!

A little boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" His mother says," God is bothe male and female." The little boy is still confused and asks his mother, "Is God black or white?" His mother says, "God is both black and white." The confused little boy asks again, "Is God gay or straight?" The mother replies, "God is both gay and straight!" The little boy is really confused and asks his mother, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

A man is sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a young lady walks up and says "So what are you drinking?" The man replies casually "Magic beer" and the lady asks "What kind of magic beer?" "What's so special about it?!?" says the man. He proceeds to get up and flies around the room 3 times and sits back down. The lady snaps "I bet you couldn't do that again even if your life depended on it!" So he gets up and flies around the room 3 more times. The lady says "I'll have what he's having!" She chugs it down and goes to the roof and jumps - falling to her death. The bartender looks at the man sitting at the bar and says "Superman, you're a jerk when your drunk."

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

why dont women blink during sex?
they don't have time

mommy mommy why are we pushing the car off a cliff?
shut up or you'll wake daddy.

She was so blonde...



...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".

...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.

...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

...she sold the car for gas money.

...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Advantages Of Being A Woman
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(Added: 30-Apr-2006 Rating: 8.33 Votes: 6 )


1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A Groom's Tale
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(Added: 2-Aug-2005 Rating: 8.74 Votes: 124 )


I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

CP'ing on my own page.... i hope your enjoying them

As a mum, for the thoughts.
A lovely tribute to your Mum, Shar.
I will raise my glass in her memory on Mother's Day.

A toast to our Mums, living on in our memories. They may be gone but they are not forgotton.

Thank you, thank you for your birthday wishes! Friends like you make a day very special!
I am sorry about losing your mum. My hubby lost his mother age 69 to pancreatic cancer too. It was so quick we barely had time to say good bye. At least she was able to hold her last grandchild, my son. I miss her, she was a great friend. Do take care of yourself.

Hey sweetie, just popping in to see how you are today.
I know how hard it was for you yesterday. I hope one year soon, it will be a day of happiness for you instead of one of such intense sadness.
Thinking of you,
Gail
xoxo

Dear Sharlene,
Thank you so much for your caring message after Mum's death. The love and support from everyone on this wonderful site has been amazing and very much appreciated, it really did help me get through a rough patch.
What a gorgeous photo of your Mum, and I can see just how much you still miss her. She was 2 years younger than me - far too young.

Shar, any more urges to drop into the " secret room behind the chat room?" would love for you to come back and visit, the more the merrier they say. We need to have more posting so we can race to the TOPPS sooner hehehe

Hope all is OK in yur world , either way come on back and tell us abou tit.

Hi Shar.
Great to see you posting ... was just thinking yesterday [prompted by an email] that we hadn't seen you on site for a while.

Beautiful photo of your mum.... My best friend died of Pancreatic cancer 5 years ago....wasn't even 50. I am still reeling from the dramatic assault on her body and her valiant attempts to fight it. Truly one of the worst cancers of them all. It seems to be very selective and singles out the very best people in the world... those that we can least do without.

Take care

shar, have sent you a 'friend' request, but will not be offended if you don't take it up.

Hi Sharlene. It's been a long time since I've been here on your page and you have been posting. Good to see you back on the site. Hope all is well with you and yours, and hope you all stay smiling! Cheers!

You look bewtiful in the blue dress!

I loved going through your photos today. Thank you for taking the time and trouble to get them up on your page.

Shar - no wonder you are so proud...Chase is very talented. Indeed keep that guy painting as long as he wants to!

Hi Sharlene! Wow, you've got some good genes in your family! Lots of good looks & artistic ability for sure! Love your sketches & your son's paintings - both of you should do more. Thanks for sharing. Take care.

Unbelievable. Your son did those paintings at 6???? Chase is certainly an extremely talented little boy! You need to do a Mother and Son exhibition.

Awesome paintings by your son, Sharlene!!

Happy Australia Day, Sharlene!
Hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend!
Cheers!

Lots of love to you sweet friend!

Hello Sharlene - just stopping by to say thank you very much for the birthday wishes the other day.
I stayed very sober even though we started at work with a nip of brandy (kept for medicinal purposes only!) in my afternoon coffee, a couple of small nips of Baileys while waiting from my sister to pick me up to take me to tea at my daughter's place, then a couple of wines with my meal. That's about as much as I can handle. Must be getting old, which is far better than the alternative!

Anne x